Outcast Of Freedom

I never thought I would be back, and yet my heart is cold and more shattered. I have been getting really hurt and bullied yet nobody really see's it or knows. All I want to do is curl up and stay inisde my room forever. Though I already know I can't do that showing that I am weak and the other people have won.

I will always hold together what I have left nomatter if I have to risk whatever heart I have left. People see me as weak, thought really inside I am stronger then anyone who tries detroying my last part to my shattered heart. As long that I understand what the true power is I will always win agents the heartless of my foe's.

Despite the horror I stand in front of I have met someone new that is kinda like me in my past yet different. I never thought of really getting to know him as well as I do now. Though I will always have my wall up to anyone who I know and care for knowing that something could always happen. Yes, I do trust them, but No I wont put my wall down. He is my friends brother, which is very strage for me. Since normally few people would really want to talk to me. Though I could care less, but yet I do care about the people who are outcast in the world. I try to help them the best I can and Keep them alive and give them a helping hand when needed.

I never ask for anyone in my life to be my friend. I never force anyone to change their minds. I am just one person in the world just like everyone else. I may speek differently, but yet I speak the same for a few. My heart has always been hurt, though I will always try no matter how much pain I have to be put in. My heart is meant to be strong for a reason. If people hate me for who I am, then I can't change that. I am who I am, and my mind is what I make it. I will never be someone that I don't want to be nomatter what group it is. I shall always be known as my own group of people I call the outcast of freedom!

The Last Stand

I guess for the longest time I have felt nothing but pain. For some reasom whenever I try to help or say anything people tend to not even care. My words or say means nothing in this world, or ever will be. So lost in pain. So I shall stay in forever shadows I guess. The very shadows that keep me stedy and alive. Even though I only have one friend with me now, but it seems like my heart can't stand it. The shadow that started taking over my hearts world just want's me to shut down on everyone. When I know I don't want to. I always wanted something better, but I guess that nothing does really matter. Everytime I try to have a wonderful life random stuff pops up like over size flame flowers blocking my path.

Like for instance, at work I deal with fucked up people who think just because they have a job means that they know everything. Even though I had worked there longer I am a higher rank then them. They just think they can walk all over me like a feild of wild flowers. Well people that I work with need to wake up and smell the damn roses because I am not going to listen to their fucked up minds. Also I am fine with jokes and stuff, but if they think they can do it every min of my time they are wrong wronger then the devil it self. Look I can deal with crap, but I am not no super hero where I can deal with it for my life. I don't want to deal with winning people that hate other people they work with or that their in pain and crap. I only let one person slide and thats the one person who understands me, but other then that friend people need to go away and leave my life alone. I am no longer in use to fuck around with and be a lame ass target for people to shoot off their drama off on me. I am no longer their stupid toy.

Lastly I fully lost Comet as a friend. Havent talked to her in days/weeks. I guess I just text one person now that isn't just family. Haha I guess I am a lame person after all, a girl who can't keep friend's go figure. Life just hasn't been my best, but that doesnt mean I will quit fighting.

"The devil shall never win over my soul until the last battle of the wars has fully fallen to the knees of ones who stand strong with wings that no longer fly for the ones that no longer fight. Each last feather of that wing will glow with a story that will shine for a forever day's where no man ever dares to walk the land in the forever darken shadows."

Sadest Tear

Hey sorry that I haven’t been posting much. Even though it doesn’t really matter because nobody ever looks on here, but for the past week all I have been going through is so much pain. First of all I have been worried sick about three great friends Puppy, Mike, and Madara. Well no matter how much I tried can’t seem to get them outta of my mind, because I’m afraid to lose some of my friends the main people I normally talk to. Since me and Comet are just in World War 3 at the moment. At this point I don’t know if we will be friends again, but anywho lets get back on track.

Puppy is just breaking down, and I will always wish for the best for him even though I feel like one of the worst people alive. I feel like I have done something I shouldn’t, but no matter what he is always there for me so I will always try to help him out as much as I can.

Mike wants to end his life for good. He tried hanging himself just a few nights ago… and the image still haunts me. He has been my friend for about three years now and normally when he talks to me I can make him feel better, but I’m afraid because he hasn’t been on lately like he normally is. I guess because he is still trying to find his purpose in life and why he has to go through so much pain inside his heart. He lost his love and has just been down in the dump since.

Finally Madara, he is one of my friends that is quitting a game that we played together. And I think he is quitting it because of me. No matter how much I tried getting a hold of him. It just seems like he is just ignoring everything. I feel like no matter I do I just end up losing the best friends that I ever had…

Lastly, my life has been put down so much that all the pain I am use to just doesn’t feel like I even care. About how I end just as long as the ones around me are ok. Like everyone says “Everyone in the world has a time for their life and when it’s time they will fully leave this world and move on.”  And just how much I don’t even have much time to live, and be happy. Like if I take much more pain, and people think that I am just someone that can just be broken over a million times well their wrong. I can’t take much more pain from stupid people in my life.

Mood= Sad, Lost and Worried.

The Evil Teacher

Sorry that I haven’t written for a while I have been pretty busy. People have just been trying to get into my bubble lately and have been asking for advice from me. Surely I do give them some, but for me I think it would be pretty useless to the people who ask it knowing that it’s only my opinion on the whole topic. So I pretty much have a notebook filled with conversations with someone I know also it’s pretty funny.

Well today wasn’t really the day I had in mind, because during my last class I just couldn’t think at all. To be honest I can NEVER think in that class because everyone in it is just so loud and disrespectful to the teacher. So while they don’t shut the hell up I have to be the one who suffers and don’t get to learn what I need to learn. To top things off my teacher started yelling at me because I don’t know how to do my homework. He pretty much blamed me, which just totally ticked me off. So like within twenty minutes left in the class my head hurt so much that I pretty much started crying.

Comet is still having a tuff time with her bulling problem so I have been trying to cheer her up. By telling her just to pretty much get over it and don’t let the person bother her. I have also told her that whatever the stupid bully been saying then they are pretty much saying it to themselves because they have NO right to be calling other people when they should just get a life and leave my friends alone. If they think it’s right to bully my friends then there so dead wrong. No matter if they say it to my friend well there saying it to me also. If they can’t handle the truth that they are just stupid little flying pigs that hold the blade at themselves then they should just back the hell off. I am not saying this just for my friend, but for everyone else in the world.

Song of the day:

The Springs Joy

Today went ok, it started out like crap and I felt really light headed. I am pretty much caught up in my classes. Which is hard when my teacher gives out packets every day that have like four pages on them. Stupid math/numbers always makes me mad. I shall destroy the evil math.

So lately when I am in the hallway I normally try keeping away from this guy that just totally hates my guts. I have been doing a pretty awesome job at that. Even though the guy is starting to spread bad word around about me and crap like that. It hasn’t really been bugging me since next year I won’t see his ugly face around me ever again. So that’s what I just keep telling myself every day. My friend Comet has been cheering me on and I will cheer on for her. If people try messing with me they also have to mess with her. Comet got my back and I got hers. She is an epic friend.

Allot had happen in the past few days, and I have been trying to keep on my toes about everything that has been happening. Winter is finally over and the spring air is filling in fast. Making my days brighter since I hate the cold winter air and that I prefer hot summer air. When the lakes are unfrozen and the sunsets shine the sky away making everything so wonderful. With the pain and suffering going away making my anger fly free with the birds. Can’t wait till summer fully hits and school is done for another year.

Mood: Happy, and ready to take on whatever pulls in.

A perfect Night

“In the darken sky everyone sees the bright stars that shine brightly in the forever night. Everyone in the world calls them rocks full of hot gas, but for me I call them hearts. They are warm because deep inside them are stories. Stories that make them burn brightly in the skies from above. Everyone has a star that last for a long time. They hold the persons heart deep within the rock. The star keeps the stories safe along with the human heart. If someone finally dies in world called earth. They are still truly alive with that star that they created when they were born in a new life. If you lost someone you loved and cared about all you have to do is stare in the night sky wile thinking about the ones you love, and how they still shine bright. No matter how far it feels like that separates them from you. You will always be together under the same sky as them. Having your hearts connect together each night that last forever in the eyes of one.”

Someone I have lost once told me this to keep my worries away. I will always remember that day when we were truly together. I hope these words can help some people also. When they feel lost inside just like I have for the longest time.

Mood: Trying to get back on my feet. So Pretty Good.

Thoughts and Wishes

Today I haven’t really been myself at all. No matter how much I tried not to think about one thing it always just ends up coming right back. Like I’m suppose to find out the missing puzzle pieces. As I try to think more into it. My head and heart just ends up hurting more than ever. The pain of this memory is the pain of my past. For many to wonder why it had to be the way of life for someone to just vanish, never wanting to be friends ever again. A forever sorrow that every word they spoke just made scars into the heart. The scars just deepen without them knowing only to the one person that holds onto the heart dear.

For me everyone is like the beast in Beauty and The Beast. Where everyone holds a rose to care for, and they have to keep the petals so they can find someone they dear most in the world before time runs out.  The rose I hold dear had turned to stone in my past, but all thanks to my friends today it shows some color to the world. I will never be the same happy girl when I was with my grandpa, but I will always be someone there to care for anybody who turns onto my path. I hope someday they will do the same for me.

 Even though my wishes never do come true, but for me to only just try to think one day it will. My one wish is for a life where there doesn’t have to be so much suffering. A place where I don’t have to dream or look inside my heart to breath in the world of happiness. The world with no drama, less fighting, and were people don’t have to think death is the chose to go. I want to see a place where the birds sing like on the summer’s sunset. The grass wet from the fresh rain that has just fallen.  Where people can look into the sky and find their own set of winds to swore through the skies from above. This all may sound pretty wacky, but it’s my dream wish. That nobody can make come true only in my heart this dream wish lies within.

Mood: I’m in an Ok mood, not so great, but not so bad either just in the middle.

Forever Tears

Today I didn’t have school today because the roads gotten really bad. I had to do some cleaning so I didn’t get yelled at for doing nothing. I have got a stocker, which I don’t know who he is. He just ends up talking to himself because I don’t talk to him. It’s pretty creepy what he tells me. So here are some examples of what he been saying. “I love you, I want to marry you, I think you so pretty, Please don’t leave your pretty self alone you should date me, I wish I was there to kiss you.”

But anyway I have been staying alive through the days that go by. Even though most days I just feel alone, that’s only because my heart makes me feel that way. I’m normally really lost in the world and thinking thoughts that nobody should think. During the days that’s how it has become. So many people think they can help me and most try to attempt doing, but in the end they all just end up failing or giving up. Yes it is all true that my heart has been through so much in my past, but at the end up each day I always still think about how things work in this world. The thoughts that always come to me just end up taking control and making it hurt inside. The pain of being alone and lost also the pain that nobody wants anything to deal with. I have been fighting this pain since 3^rd grade. My past life was always just a drain of nightmares coming true. Turning me into a hateful living monster and that monster has hurt a lot of people. I can still remember times when I got into fights and making them cry, and I would just sit there and stare. After the move I wanted to change I wanted to care, so I didn’t have to feel so alone in the world. So I didn’t have to hurt anybody but myself. When I moved I stopped caring how I really felt about things and myself. I never care what happens to me as long as the people around me are ok. Every day of my past I just brought shame to the people around me and my family. My lifelong goal was to hear from my father’s voice that he was proud of me. That he was happy to have me as a daughter, and then just pat me on the head. As time goes by I still remain as an outcast. Probably will for the rest of my life…

Mood: Somewhat Sad

Song of the Day:

Todays Work

Today was a pretty long day. I worked eight hours like every Saturdays, but I had to work with someone that was making me really mad. After the noon rush my day somewhat turned around. Then when I got home I found out that my mom had already moved my room. So now I have the smallest room in the house again. It doesn’t bug me that much which is good.

Mood: Tired, Ok in a way 

Song of the day: Check Yes Juliest,
By: We the kings

Another Day

Today my friends stole my phone today again, and started texting a few of my friends. It was a pretty boring day even at lunch where normally my day gets turned around by everyone, but my friends just ended up creeping me out a little. I also finished my book today that I have been reading, but it made me mad at the ended. Other than that it was a pretty normal day.

Mood: Tired, Happy, and Feeling a Tad Bit Better.

The Day

Today was a good day. I got dark chocolate from one of my friends today. So I was pretty hyper today. My friend and I started making a story about a ninja that is new to the town. It's pretty funny because we just end up fighting about what happen next.

I got into a chat with my teacher about a goal I had in the past and the days to come. So what I told her is that my frist goal was to ride my first real roller coster. Witch I did when I was sevan. When I got off that coster I was really happy. So now my day to come goal is to ride one of the top ten fastest coster in the US.

Mood: Epicly Happy

About Me

Hello, I am DarkJenna. To me only a few things matter in life and that is making the ones around me happy. As long that the people I care about are happy then I don't care what really happens to me. I would take my life for anyone any day of this world. I have been trying to stay alive. Just like anyone else in this life. My heart has always been broken since I have moved to a city that I never wanted to live in the first place. My parents have never cared what I think about things. Just like most people at my school. They pretend to care, but then they just turn around and stab me in the back. I have been stabbed so many times that I have lost trust when I was really little. Lost trust in friendship and trust in my family.

Even though I have lost trust in a lot of things. I still have a few friends that I can really trust. Three friends that really make my day. Every time I talk to them it just makes me smile. I hope they will always be my friends till the end.

So my friend main friend is Puppy. He is my dear friend that I talk on the phone allot. We never talk face to face, but he always makes me feel better about myself. He is always there for me when I have a lot on my plate and can't take it anymore. Puppy is one of the greatest friends I have ever really had. In my heart he is like a older brother.

My Second friend would be Tiger. My dear friend Tiger is one of my longest friends. Even though I have lost connection with for two years after my move. Me and Tiger finally started talking again after the long years. Telling the stories that we had and how much we have missed in the past years. He is a really sweet friend that knows what to say most the time. He always takes care of his little sister.

My last friend is Bunny. He is another long friend of mine. I started talking to him again just like Tiger. The move killed are friendship for five years because he moved way back to Germany. He is just an awesome friend with great ideas. He also takes care of his little sister.

Mood: Happy